Woman's Work

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All the things we should've said that I never said
All the things we should have done that we never did
All the things we should have given but I didn't

Oh darling make it go
Make it go away

This Woman's Work-Kate Bush/Maxwell


My 20 year high school reunion is coming up next April. Twenty Years. Damn

I graduated from a pretty spectacular high school in 1987. It is a school for exceptional students. There are only three of these schools in New York. You can only be accepted by entrance exam.

I remember the day of the test, I was so nervous. I sat down, exhaled and answered all of the questions to the best of my ability. When I finally got the results and found out I had made it, I remember running around my house screaming.

My first day of school was scary. This school has roughly 4,000 students. The Freshman class was almost 1,100 students. To stand outside of it's imposing gates and watch the sea of students entering the building was really something.

I remember I had a pair of tan Lee's on, some cute brown shoes and a Bennetton shirt.
I was intimidated by all of the cool kids. The athletes, the fashionistas, the geeks, the new wavers, the rappers, the misfits. I became friends with all of them.
A part of each of them is still in me.

This school had a profound impact on me. I met my best friend in those halls. We met in health class and have been inseparable ever since. We stayed friends through college, pledging, dating, the good and the bad, engagements, weddings, death and now children. We have kept each other going when we couldn't stand. We are more than friends at this point. We are sisters.

I also met the love of my life there that I ended up losing almost 5 years ago. I can't lie, I will have many memories of Chris when I step in the building. It's where we sat together in History, Miss Kinard's class. It's where we had homeroom together for two years. Where he gave me his orange shirt to take with me on the school trip after over hearing me tell someone I needed one to match an outfit I had just gotten. The shirt I still own.

Where I really and truly fell in love for the first time with a man that I ended up having a relationship with, on and off, for 13 years. Really, most of my life. How am I going to walk those halls knowing that he's not there?

I use to think when I got married, that at my 20th reunion, I would at least get to see him and we could finally have closure. I could tell him that I am happy he's doing well. Tell him I am sorry for the day I told him I never wanted to see him again. That I did love him and always will. That no matter what, I will always have his back. No matter where I am in life, I am still the same girl that sat in front of him but wouldn't share her test answers. I wanted to give him a hug, tell him he looked great. Look at pictures of his kids. Show him pictures of mine. I wanted....something. I wanted to be in his presence, one more time.

I know that I have moved on. With time, I have focused on my new life, my husband, my children. I am happy and blessed. I wouldn't trade what I have and I know that this is where I am supposed to be. This is God's plan.

Somehow, I just thought I would have another chance to say "sorry".