In my mind, I'll always be his lady.

He and I met in High School. I was a skinny teenager with lots of personality. That led to lots of friends. I was voted Most Popular. He was this quiet, nerdy guy that I would see everyday in homeroom and pretty much just say "Hi" to. We rode the train home together. He got off two stops before mine. Whenever I would see him on the train, I would have my circle of loud girlfriends around me and I would shout his name out and embarrass him to death.

Through Sophomore and Junior year, we had a few classes together. He sat behind me in alphabetical order. In History, I was always the one with the answers. The one smiling and making jokes. He was quiet, drawing graffiti in his notebook. He would only speak when I spoke to him first.

Senior year, first day back to school....he strolls into homeroom. My stomach dropped as I stared at him. He got taller, had a new sense of style, fresh haircut, no more afro. The brown eyes sparkling. Was this the same guy? In addition, he was getting attention from all of the ladies. Before, when I was the popular one, I wielded that power over him knowing he probably thought I was cute but would be too shy to ever approach me. Now I was shy around him.

Everyday, I looked forward to homeroom just so I could see him. Even when my new popular boyfriend started to walk me to homeroom and kiss me outside. I would secretly hope he was jealous. Towards the end of the year, he and I started a slight flirtation. We got to know each other and become friends. Nothing ever happened between us but the spark was there.

Years later, we met up again. He took me on a date to see Malcolm X. We went to the Billboard Music Awards. He ended up becoming a record producer and worked on a platinum album. He blew up and was doing well for himself. I was entrenched in the world of Corporate America and building a career.

No matter what, we always were able to be ourselves with each other. We instinctively knew what the other wanted and needed. We fell in love. A relationship that would last over several years. The one person that would always care no matter what was happening. Soul mates.

We broke up once due to my accepting a job in another state and him being tied up in his career.
Then one day, I was back home in Brooklyn for the Holidays. Sitting at Mom's house depressed and sad that I had no one to share my life with. He called. He figured I would be home. He called to check up on me. I went to see him. We had dinner but I wouldn't kiss him or allow him to touch me. I left him and came home. In my heart, I knew I would never be able to resist it and I secretly didn't want to. I was so proud that I could walk away without showing him how badly I craved our relationship. Pride.

I went back to my new home state and he called me from New York, two days later. He asked what I was doing that day. I told him that I had planned on just hanging around my house. Four hours later, he rang my doorbell and I opened the door to my heart. The next year was absolute heaven. I never felt so loved. This man understood me. He anticipated my emotional needs. He knew instinctively everything I didn't know about myself. The passion, the openness and the basic overall friendship never wavered. I loved him with every ounce of me I had to give.

One day, he came over and told me that he wanted to talk. He said that he felt his life was in flux. He had gotten out of the music business and wanted to go back to school. I told him that it was a great idea. I was supportive. He then told me that he needed to talk about us. After a year of telling me he was ready to get married....he told me he wanted to be with me but he wasn't ready to move forward and make a committment. He wanted to live his life a little bit. He didn't want us to break up....but he was giving me the "space" speech.

I remained calm. I told him that I respected that and then I asked him to pack up all of his stuff and get the hell out of my house and my life. He was hurt. I could see it. I was hurt. I reacted like the young, desperately in love person that I was.

He came back once to get his TV. I cried as he packed it in his car. He never spoke to me. He couldn't look at me. If he had, he would have stayed. I needed him but I wouldn't beg any man to stay with me. Pride.

He left. Two years later, I heard he had gotten married and was expecting a child. I started dating my now husband. We had both moved on. I called him once on his birthday. He said he was happy. It was a strange conversation. I told him how happy I was. The words said were probably true on both sides....but the "what if's" hung in the air. The "what happened to us" went unanswered. The closure, never came.

I never spoke to him again.

Two years after that, I received word that he had died. He had an aneurysm.

Something died in me when I heard. A part of my spirit left my body and never returned. His parents made me sit with them at the funeral. They hugged me and we cried. I stayed away from the casket. I wanted to remember him like he was. I couldn't imagine him loving anyone the way he loved me. I never walked up to his wife. I didn't want to be the "ex-girlfriend" at the funeral. I was respectful and kept my distance. I stayed in the shadows. This was, after all, her husband. He chose her.

I wonder why we never worked out. I still don't know. Perhaps knowing he would die young, I was spared. I may never have recovered after that loss. I can't imagine what it was like for his wife and children. I pray for them.

I guess I am who I am because he loved me. I thank him for teaching me so many things. He was a wonderful man, a great friend and no matter what....I will always love him. My high school reunion is next year. I can't believe that I won't see him. It is alot for me to take in. To walk those halls, sit in the old classrooms. I hope he knows that I loved him. That I will always love him. That I love him to this day. That whenever I hear Heather Headly sing that song...I get tears in my heart. In my mind, I'll always be his lady...I'll always be his girl.

Rest in Peace C.

Artist of the week.

I love music. REAL soul, funk, hip-hop, reggae, new wave, whatever...as long as it touches me in some way, I will listen to it.

I have decided to start an artist of the week feature on this blog. Yeah, I know it already Thursday but I am moody like that. LOL

This week....I will feature the music of the one and only...Miss Teena Marie. Now for you younguns' you may know some of Teena Marie's new stuff or just know her as Rick James European Jump Off. I am here to tell you that Teena Marie is the real deal. NO ONE writes lyrics about what a woman feels when she is in the midst of a relationship like Lady Tee.

Case in point....

Portugese Love
On a starry winter night in Portugal
Where the ocean kissed the southern shore
There a dream I never thought would come to pass
Came and went like time slipped through an hourglass

You made love to me like fire and rain
Oh you know you got to be a hurricane
Killing me with kisses so so subtly
You made love forever baby
You made love forever(chorus)

I ain't gonna let you go that easy
You gotta say you love me too
I ain't gonna let you go that easy
I'm gonna give it all to you
Portuguese love
Oh, won't you say it to me, say you love me baby
Portuguese Love
Say it to me, say you love me baby
Portuguese love
Say it to me, say you love me baby
Portuguese

All the nights we made love till the morning start
Then you put the song to me on your guitar
Was it so familiar calling soft my name (Teena)
Sunlight dancing slowly through love's window pane

You made love to me like sugar and spice
Hush my broken heart this must be paradise
Killing me with kisses so so tenderly
You made love forever, baby
You made love forever(chorus)

Amore Portuguese, say you love me
Yo quiero ahora ser amor, I feel its too hard to ignore
Say amore' Portuguese, you got to say you love me

You know that you felt good to me
From the first kiss to the last I'm trembling
You made love to me like no other man
If you please I'd like to go back there again
Killing me with kisses so so tenderly
You made love like weee
You made love forever

Now do those lyrics paint a picture of her and Rick and the love she felt for that man or what. She was touring with him in Europe when she wrote this song. And damn if that doesn't conjur up that good loving you can have where it all seems like it was a scene from a movie...I don't know what does. Not to mention the actual musical arrangement that accompanies this song....Teena maye not be the greatest singer but she puts ALL of her feelings into every song she sings.

She is also one of the premiere female rappers....don't let me jump into Square Biz....a classic.

And finally, I will always love her for the song that got me through one of my relationships. Not many people know it but do yourself a favor and get the greatest hits version that has this song.
Read the lyrics and then KNOW that this song was at the end of the relationship with Rick James. The finish was not as sweet as the beginning. It never is. And like Teena, I too fell in love with Cassanova Brown, the GREATEST break up song ever, bar none.

Cassanova Brown

My baby's fine
He always keeps me guessing
But never keeps me guessing about his love

He's had more girls than Howard Hughes had money
and you may think it funny
when I say he loves me only
and who are you to say what he did when I was not around
just because I fell in love with Casanova Brown

Act 2 scene 5 is my command peformance
my name is clairvoyance and it's all too clear
I was the one
who said tune in tomorrow
I think about tomorrow, even when I am asleep
and who are you to say what I did when you were'nt around
just because I fell in love with you
Casanova Brown

standing room only, the concerts so loud
everyone's there for the party
the hush turns to a shout

everyone's got a piece of the pie of you and I
but nobody knows when the lights go down
that the tears fall harder than the whole dam crowd
throw it down my love is just about all I can do

was'nt I the one who said I'll have my cake and eat it too
just could'nt wait any longer
you pushed till I was through

I love you so
It hurt me but I had to let, let you go

Did you hear me crying, baby
It sounded a little bit like this

You did'nt have to make me cry
tell me again and I'll tell you why, It's over.
It's over
It's over

Over before the love turns to hate
let's let it end and let's still be friends

Thanks Lady T....I leaned on your pain many a night and it healed me. You will always be my number one Soul Sister.

Not older, WISER!

What's up world? I am chilling out on the cusp of my Birthday this weekend. You know, the days leading up to one's birthday are the time for reflection on life up until this moment. (The actual day is for getting bombed and acting the fool).

My life...all I can say is that I am blessed. Everyday that I wake up and see my sons, I am blessed. My family has accomplished some major goals this year. We purchased our first home (and are in renovation hell, but that's another post), we had a new baby, we watched our oldest turn 4 and my husband lost his mother. It has been serious in our house but we survived it all and made it through.

I think I have grown up a lot this year. Things that used to make me angry or disappoint me are getting easier to tolerate. Yes, I am a Cancer. I don't go in for all the astrology stuff but I really do have the basic attributes of the sign. I am like a crab. I have a tough exterior unless you can penetrate the outer shell. I seem quiet but can snap out on yo ASS with the quickness. I tend to bury myself and hide out when things hurt me. But when life is good, I resurface and roam around.

I am proud of my growth. I have a low tolerance for bullshyt. When I was younger, I used to just suck things up but now that I have grown into my own, I am straightforward with people. I am more honest with my feelings and I don't play games. I want people to know exactly where I am on all points. No guessing. Sometimes, it is not always what folks want to hear but I don't carry around baggage anymore and it feels good to get emotions off your chest.

I am going to try and continue to do a Jill Scott and live my life like it's GOLDEN. Cause really, when I see what the rest of the world is going through....How my brothers and sisters are being persecuted...How folks are struggling on a daily basis....How folks have to cope with illness and poverty.....I TRULY AM BLESSED.

Thoughts for the evening

Why don't sisters check the back of their legs before they wear short skirts, white leggings or pum pum shorts? Cellulite should not be shared. No really....

Why do people insist on bringing their children to both innappropriate and late night movies? Uh, if you couldn't find a baby sitter, then you needed to stay your ass home. Having kids mean you SACRIFICE some shyt. DAMN...does your three your old need to be with you at the 11pm showing of The Omen?

Why do people with weaves walk around like the hair is real and no one can tell? STOP PLAYING. **note to Beyonce...I love ya Boo, but you ain't foolin anyone in those L'oreal ads okay?

Why do men wait until after you have been laying in bed waiting for them for two hours to come up and start a little something, to creep in at 1am (after watching Sportscenter or playing video games) butt naked and start grabbing your breast and poking you with the package. DAMN NEGRO, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU BUT I AM OFFICIALLY ASLEEP AND I GOTTA WORK AT 6AM. Grab some lotion and handle your business man!

Why do white people always want to hold out wrists and see who is darker after their hour of fake tanning? Uh hello, do you REALLY want to be black?

Why do preachers feel it's okay to accept a Bentley from their congregation when there are still hungry kids, children that can't afford college and sick folks in their congregation? GOD WILL JUDGE ON THE FINAL DAYS.

Why am I mad that I know the words to all of NEE-Yo's songs? I really need Sade or Maxwell to come out with some new Shyt. And soon.

Why am I so sleepy? Goodnight folks.

She's a Brooklyn Swinger

"She don't come from Manhattan, Bronx, Queens or the Isle of Staten. She's a Brooklyn Swinger..."

So I grew up in the 70's and 80's. I am a product of a lot of different music. Today I was visiting one of my favorite Blogs (shout out to Dallas Penn) and he had some old school, new wave videos linked to his site.

I had to laugh because throughout my life, I really have acquired some strange musical tastes.

Coming from Trinidad, I grew up listening to calypso kings like The Mighty Sparrow, Lord Kitchener, Miss Francine, David Rudder, Crazy, etc. This was the stuff we partied to whenever my family got together. Real music that wove stories of love, hate, comedy and drama. The heart of my caribbean island.

My parents were also young and grew up in the SOUL era. They grooved to Al Green, The Sytlistics, Teddy P, Marvin, Stevie, Aretha, Donnie, Roberta, The Commodores, Earth, Wind and Fire and Parliament. So I listened to real soul music. Songs that were instant classics. Real singers, real musicians.

And growing up in Brooklyn, I was in the midst of the birth of hip hop. I mean from hearing DJ's mixing in parks, MC's battling to Fatback (ya'll ain't feeling me) to Sugar Hill. I lived that. So real rap music is in my soul.

I grew up in the era of red light basement parties, adidas and pumas, namebelts and swatch watches. When parties were about dancing to GOOD music. I was there when KRS-One dissed the hell outta MC Shan and told Queens that the Bridge was OVA. I was there when Rakim told honey that he was not one to be Glazed. That was my time. I remember that we would wop till our knecks hurt. I remember Dana Dane, MC Lyte (the greatest female rapper of ALL time..Cha Cha Cha), Kool Moe Dee, Biz Markie and LL when he was young, arrogant and cocky as a mug. I remember the Big Daddy (Yeah, as in your Father). That was real hip hop.

In addition to hip hop, I turned to reggae. Most Brooklynites had some caribbean roots somewhere down the line. So when reggae started to come up, it was music that we all listened to anyway. I remember the Reggae parties and trying to find a guy to dance with that knew how to actually move to some Rockers, not just hang on and grind. We would be in a party and just hear....the Barrington Levy, Shabba, Dawn Penn, Chaka Demus and Pliers...the Big Reggae Hits at the time and the floor would get PACKED.

So now, when the state of Hip Hop is at an all time low...I am here to say "BRING BACK THE OLD SCHOOL" I need some Slick Rick & Dougie Fresh. I mean can't we trade Young Jeezy and The entire Dipset clan? Damn, radio is f*ckin sorry.

Stalker confessions

I am confessing that I am a stalker. I am absolutely and totally obsessed with this man....

His name is Maxwell, he is Trinidadian and Puerto Rican. He grew up in Brooklyn (like me). He has the voice of an angel. Many claim he is gay.....I don't care if he is or isn't.

I will convert him. He will like it. TRUST ME.

If you don't know who he is, purchase some CD's and get familiar.

He is my future 2nd husband.

Favorite Maxwell Songs (in no particular order):

Submerge
Hula
Fortunate
Til The Cops Come Knockin
Ascencion
Let's Not Play The Game
Lifetime
Was My Girl

And Max...if you are reading this....step it up on the follow up album, Black Summer's Night. I miss you, Papi.

This is hilarious

Rich over at FourFour is a genius. Please read the post on the Mrs. USA Pageant.

http://fourfour.typepad.com/

Single sisters....LISTEN UP

Men like a woman with confidence that can still evoke a sense of vulnerability, femininity. **Yes ladies...I said...a little vulnerability** In this day and age, we need to remember that although we can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan.....WE ARE STILL WOMEN. It's the greatest power that we have. It's what draws men to us. Don't be so tough that you give off attitude.

I know a beautiful sister. She is gorgeous, intelligent, great at her job, flawless in appearance, loves to have fun, owns her own house and car, pays her own bills.....in short, the REAL DEAL. Yet, she has no real dating prospects and hasn't for a while now.

I have been friends with her for a few years . I have laid back in the cut and observed her (as is the Cancerian thing to do) and I know what the problem is. Girlfriend is carrying her baggage like a shield of armor. I am sure she has been hurt by someone. Haven't we all? However, on the few occassions that I have introduced her to a BWP (Brother with potential), she gets an instant scowl on her face, twists the lip up and gives off the cold shoulder.

I say, "BWP, this is my Fine Sister Friend". She gives the eye roll, and a curt "Hi" like the man just stole her puppy.

BEYOTCH....aren't you always complaining that you don't have anyone? C'mon now girl, say hello. You don't have to see dude and have sparks flying out of your ass. Just say hi. A man can always be a friend, a date, a networking possibility, lead you to another man, or maybe not be anything at all....but common courtesy goes a long way. That tough girl sh*t will keep your behind at home many a night. If you are okay staying home....good for you. But if you aren't and you can't figure out what's wrong....this may be for you.

• Smile.
• Be approachable.
• Conversation is just conversation.
• You can talk and get to know someone and still walk away.
• Women control the power in flirting.
• A man will only get the digits if YOU give them to him.
• You are never obligated, so why be rude and bitchy?
• Even if the negro looks like Shabba Ranks and is pushing up on you...a quick and polite "Sorry, I'm here with someone or Not interested" goes way further than the "F*&% You. WHAT DO YOU WANT?" that may have you ending up with a gin and tonic on your new stilletos.
• People have feelings even assholes.
• Embrace your femininity. Lose the tough girl act when you meet a man you are interested in. Allow yourself to flirt and be playful. Don't act like YOU GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. If that's the case, the brother will feel like you probably don't need a man or worse, he will see you as a challenge and want to get right in those drawers just to break you.

Now before all of you ladies start attacking me. I'm not saying to just put all your cards on the table and jump in with both feet for every Tyrone and FuQuan out there. Many of us have to have that tough side so we don't get crushed all the time. We have developed it from dating these playas. But when you have the potential to get to know someone better, do it. Allow a little of the feminine side out sometimes. Remember, Women in a man's world can still be women.

Peace!

Hello World.

I am starting a blog. After a year of reading so many wonderful blogs online...I have been inspired to start my own. I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough but for those of you that choose to read about me...thanks.

A little about me? 36 (almost 37), wife, mother of two sons, corporate america slave to the machine, reggae and soca loving, hip-hop fiend. Fashionista on a budget, cosmetic junkie, celebrity gossip obsessed, reality TV whore, LOST fanatic. Black man believer, Trini by birth, Brooklyn resident since the age of 4, now residing in the City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection.

Can cook anything, born entertainer, planner and all around B. Smith in training. Goddess who doesn't take any mess but can still laugh at herself. Iced coffee groupie, Maxwell stalker, who can hit a mean fastball. Goofy when I want to be and closet nerd. Will whoop yo ass at Jeopardy or Scrabble. Misses Biggie, Bob Marley and Luther. Wishes she had more junk in da trunk but has 100% REAL HAIR (no receipt). Is tired of Black folks in America asking me if I am spanish or indian or worse....MIXED. I am a TRINI and a black TRINI at that. Longs for love, understanding, intelligent conversation and mental foreplay.

I really am THAT GIRL.