Father Figure
"I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine...
I will be the one who loves you...til the end of time"
You may remember that I wrote a post about my Dad (August 15th in the archives)a while back. Well, I had that posted on my family blog and he read it. So when I came down, my last night in Trinidad we drove around and talked. He was touched by what I wrote and wanted to tell me his side of the story.
I didn't grow up with him, but I am working on cultivating the relationship for the present and future. I am angry, I am disappointed, and yet, I am hopeful. He is still my father and I so need one.
As long as we are both willing to forget past mistakes, we can move forward. He loves me. I love him. We can make it work.
It was good to talk to him and I have some closure. He also told me that he loved my mother very much. They grew apart due to distance and youth but when they were together, he was deeply in love. For some reason, that meant a lot to me.
I am the type of person that doesn't have very many people that truly know me. I am somewhat of an enigma. I hate to complain. I hate to need sympathy or help. I am working on opening up somewhat but I have a habit of keeping things inside and just working them out on my own. It's not always the best way to handle things but it's what I do.
I always felt like talking to my mom was burdening her with issues when she already had so much on her plate. I learned to just adjust and handle my own. It's part of what makes me such a capable superwoman but there are times when I stop moving, breathe and realize that things can fall apart faster than a Roots song.
It's hard for me to admit that I need someone. Especially someone that I felt abandoned me....but I do.
Parents are human. They make mistakes. Now that I am one, I understand this better.
However, having children of my own....I know I could never walk away from them. It's selfish and it hurts the children. I know because I am one of the victims.
It's so easy to run away from things that are scary and overwhelming. I want to run away from my life and live for myself every single day.....but I chose to have those kids and they need me. Deep down, I need them.
My father and I are going to work through this....we have to. We need each other.
Put your tiny hand in mine...
I will be the one who loves you...til the end of time"
You may remember that I wrote a post about my Dad (August 15th in the archives)a while back. Well, I had that posted on my family blog and he read it. So when I came down, my last night in Trinidad we drove around and talked. He was touched by what I wrote and wanted to tell me his side of the story.
I didn't grow up with him, but I am working on cultivating the relationship for the present and future. I am angry, I am disappointed, and yet, I am hopeful. He is still my father and I so need one.
As long as we are both willing to forget past mistakes, we can move forward. He loves me. I love him. We can make it work.
It was good to talk to him and I have some closure. He also told me that he loved my mother very much. They grew apart due to distance and youth but when they were together, he was deeply in love. For some reason, that meant a lot to me.
I am the type of person that doesn't have very many people that truly know me. I am somewhat of an enigma. I hate to complain. I hate to need sympathy or help. I am working on opening up somewhat but I have a habit of keeping things inside and just working them out on my own. It's not always the best way to handle things but it's what I do.
I always felt like talking to my mom was burdening her with issues when she already had so much on her plate. I learned to just adjust and handle my own. It's part of what makes me such a capable superwoman but there are times when I stop moving, breathe and realize that things can fall apart faster than a Roots song.
It's hard for me to admit that I need someone. Especially someone that I felt abandoned me....but I do.
Parents are human. They make mistakes. Now that I am one, I understand this better.
However, having children of my own....I know I could never walk away from them. It's selfish and it hurts the children. I know because I am one of the victims.
It's so easy to run away from things that are scary and overwhelming. I want to run away from my life and live for myself every single day.....but I chose to have those kids and they need me. Deep down, I need them.
My father and I are going to work through this....we have to. We need each other.
posted by 1969 at
5:58 AM
11 Comments:
I completely feel you and I am so glad that you are getting this chance to mend (if only somewhat, SOME is better than not at all) fences with him. I was never close to my father and I, too, feel that I SOOO needed to have that male figure in my life. I feel that the lack of love from him (as the psycologists say) have led me to make some bad choices in men in the past.
My father died in 1994. We never really understood each other. Being older now, I understand a little bit better (from my mother and much older 1/2 siblings) why he was the way he was, and it helps some.
But I often wonder what he would think of my son, would he be proud of me, and would we be able to have a DECENTLY functional relationship...... my time ran out. I am glad that yours has not.
Good deal mama!
1969, It is good you are mending fences with your father. I feel it from more than one side. I don't know my father, I know his name and bdate and a few tidbits. Last time I saw him was in 1978. He was barely in my life anyway. Now I want to find him or out about him. My mom was so tight lipped because she got hurt by him and he was a straight career criminal.
My child knows her father yet, he is not active in her life. He is 1500 miles away and in the military. I believe due to his father not being around, he does not know how to father. He is not all bad, he has made some bad decisions. My daughter still reaches and he does (just not enough).
I wish more fathers out there knew just how much of a mark they leave on the children when then leave or distance themselves. It is not about growing up and sucking up the hurt (I have heard lame azz men say this.) and getting over it.
Glad you are being courageous and working things out with your father.
Wow...that was beautiful. Very honest!! You will work it out and be stronger because of it. Love really does conquer all and you and your father clearly have a lot of that for one another. The rest will be easy because of LOVE.
GIRL GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! I am happy that you and your dad have the opportunity to MEND your relationship.. my father passed when I was still a child so I didn't have that opportunity and I was afraid to ask my mom for answers to questions she couldn't give me answers for..
as a parent I know EXACTLY what you mean.. and as a single parent I am the mother and father to both of my kids and I don't hesitate to be that.. I had a conversation this morning with one of my friends and it was related to this topic!!!!
You so eloquently expressed some of the very same thoughts I've had and continue to have.. SUPERWOMEN unite.. but sometimes we need to put our capes down.. cause WE NEED SOMEBODY TOO
love ya sis..
BK
Very glad to see you working through your feelings on this..I certainly comment your efforts to let go of the past and live in the NOW.
healing is not over rated! in the ten years that my biological father have built a relationship i have healed tremendously.
i also think that as complex as our relationship is, i'm glad that i am an adult dealing with it and not a child that probably couldn't comprehend all that was happening.
best of luck with this journey, savor every moment!
I was abandoned as a child, and then again as an adult, so I totally understand, though I no longer share, your need.
I tried to reconnect with my father at the age of 33, and got complete closure on that issue. He is a hopeless case.
But your situation sounds so promising!!! I truly hope that whatever it is you want and/or need out of your relationship with him, he is willing and able to give. You deserve it mama. I pray that you're the success story I have yet to hear!!! =)))
God bless...
X
Dads shape us. And when they're absent, they teach you a certain self sufficiency that others don't really understand. Or sometimes misinterpret.
I love this post and your honesty.
We do need them and I'm glad you're letting him in.
Well, as a father and having a father who did his own disappearing act for many many years, I felt this post. I, like you and many others, reached out to my father and put everything aside in hopes that we can establish a relationship. We took baby steps but it's worked well. Good luck with you and yours.
I, like you, am a cancer. We hold in a lot of stuff. While reading your description of yourself, it was if a mirror was being held up for me to see my reflection.
Unlike you, I grew up with my Dad in the home. We were never close, and he admitted in the end what he should have said a long time ago.
I hope that you are able to have a great relationship with your dad.
Yes thanks for opening up to us again. I am glad he actually wanted to talk about it with you....lots of family wouldn't even had done that (well at least mine!). That is great y'all have a family blog.
Keep communicating it will all work itself out...may never be perfect but will work it out!
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