Advice Needed
I was so touched today by this post that was left in my comment section. If you have advice for this wonderful lady, please post it. She needs some upliftment today.
1969,
I'm truly happy you did this post...however, I am late reading it ...excuses 0-101 for my lateness. I'm so glad you did the post because I wanted to vent and sometimes you can't vent w/family and friends. I really don't know how to start my story, because I'm not sure if it really falls under this post...but I'm going to put it out here.
I'm a single mom in my early thirties and not so secure in myself, I know I should be but I'm not. I've given so much of myself to other's, that I don't feel I have anything left to offer. I always ask the question why me, what can I do to change things? To me my life has been a down hill battle since 7th grade and I saw a glimmer of hope when I graduated from 12th grade. Books should have been all I was thinking about, but peer pressure was hell. I was never the talkative type and didn't dress the way I wanted to (the money just wasn't there), didn't go to my senior prom because I didn't have a date. I mean guys just didn't seem into me. I am a little heavy, but I feel I carry it well being that I'm 5/7. Well any how, I got to college and was off to a wonderful start...then what I thought was the man of my dreams came into my life. Let's hit fast-forward.
Needless to say I didn't finish school....I left school and got a job and had a baby girl. My pregnancy was hard finically, because I had to foot my bills (doc visits) and I started to purchase baby things...because I didn't want people saying what they had to do for me. The love of my life was there, but wasn't happy at all and didn't want me to bring "our baby" into the world.....but I chose to have "my baby" because she was apart of me and I don't think I could have lived w/myself. It took me months to tell my mom, because I was scared and I knew I let her down. She didn't want me to be an unwed mother, at a dead end job. My mom went through the same thing, she was just younger and my father was older.
My mom raised me w/the help of my grandmother, I never really had a father figure and didn't know what to look for in a mate. To this day I still carry the pain of not having had a father in my life and now, my child is going through the same thing. The life I'm leaving is not the one I pictured. I dream of going back to school, I only have 6 hrs. left but my job is not flexible ( not to mention the stack of bills) and now I have a child to care for.....In a world full of hope, I feel so lost and all alone. I stress to my daughter to always give your best and never settle for anything less. There's so much more to this, but you would be reading for days. I once had dreams of living a brilliant life and raising a wonderful family. Please, don't misunderstand me...I love my daughter to death and have sacrificed a great deal to make sure she's in one of the best schools. I try to give her everything she ask for, because I feel I have short changed her in some ways.
I'm trying to find my way back and I just need a little advise...how do I start to put the pieces back together? I just want to be happy, I haven't had that feeling in along time.
Lynn..........
1969,
I'm truly happy you did this post...however, I am late reading it ...excuses 0-101 for my lateness. I'm so glad you did the post because I wanted to vent and sometimes you can't vent w/family and friends. I really don't know how to start my story, because I'm not sure if it really falls under this post...but I'm going to put it out here.
I'm a single mom in my early thirties and not so secure in myself, I know I should be but I'm not. I've given so much of myself to other's, that I don't feel I have anything left to offer. I always ask the question why me, what can I do to change things? To me my life has been a down hill battle since 7th grade and I saw a glimmer of hope when I graduated from 12th grade. Books should have been all I was thinking about, but peer pressure was hell. I was never the talkative type and didn't dress the way I wanted to (the money just wasn't there), didn't go to my senior prom because I didn't have a date. I mean guys just didn't seem into me. I am a little heavy, but I feel I carry it well being that I'm 5/7. Well any how, I got to college and was off to a wonderful start...then what I thought was the man of my dreams came into my life. Let's hit fast-forward.
Needless to say I didn't finish school....I left school and got a job and had a baby girl. My pregnancy was hard finically, because I had to foot my bills (doc visits) and I started to purchase baby things...because I didn't want people saying what they had to do for me. The love of my life was there, but wasn't happy at all and didn't want me to bring "our baby" into the world.....but I chose to have "my baby" because she was apart of me and I don't think I could have lived w/myself. It took me months to tell my mom, because I was scared and I knew I let her down. She didn't want me to be an unwed mother, at a dead end job. My mom went through the same thing, she was just younger and my father was older.
My mom raised me w/the help of my grandmother, I never really had a father figure and didn't know what to look for in a mate. To this day I still carry the pain of not having had a father in my life and now, my child is going through the same thing. The life I'm leaving is not the one I pictured. I dream of going back to school, I only have 6 hrs. left but my job is not flexible ( not to mention the stack of bills) and now I have a child to care for.....In a world full of hope, I feel so lost and all alone. I stress to my daughter to always give your best and never settle for anything less. There's so much more to this, but you would be reading for days. I once had dreams of living a brilliant life and raising a wonderful family. Please, don't misunderstand me...I love my daughter to death and have sacrificed a great deal to make sure she's in one of the best schools. I try to give her everything she ask for, because I feel I have short changed her in some ways.
I'm trying to find my way back and I just need a little advise...how do I start to put the pieces back together? I just want to be happy, I haven't had that feeling in along time.
Lynn..........
posted by 1969 at
8:44 AM
18 Comments:
Ok this brought tears to my eyes.. because it sounds so familiar!!!
Lynn.. sis.. look in the mirror and know that you are special.. look at your daughter and KNOW you are special.. I mean I don't know what advice to give you though.. cause I know how hard it is.. but you have to start with you.. I been there its hard to hit bottom but you have to WANT to get up..
email me if you like.. bklyndiva@gmail.com
Lynn...first of all...I am so inspired by all that you have accomplished. As a mother, I know how difficult it is to raise a child on your own. You could have chosen the easy way out but you chose to keep your daughter and to raise her to the best of your abilities. That is a blessing in itself.
Unfortunately, as you know, choosing to have a child means you have to put your own life on hold. Unless you are raising a child, you may not know how much sacrifice it entails. If you have twenty dollars and plan on getting your nails done as a treat, that goes out the window if your baby needs milk, diapers or food. A mom is always having to sacrifice.
Right now, you sound like you are feeling the stress. I just want to tell you that 1) your daughter loves you and you made the right choice. 2) Whether her dad is there or not, keep doing exactly what you are doing. The greatest gift you will ever have is that child. All of the love you put into her will come back to you ten times over. 3) Keep striving to do for you and your daughter. Make a long term plan for goals that you want to accomplish. 6 hours left to graduate is not a lot. You can make your goal for next year to finish school. Check into all of the programs you can....use the state, do online classes if you can.
If they will give you a school loan...take it. Anything you can qualify for, make it happen. Tell yourself that YOU CAN DO IT and give yourself a deadline.
You are down on yourself but you have already accomplished things that would have broken another person. Believe in yourself. You are a strong woman who has refused to let this beat you down.
Your child's father is unfortunately giving a poor example of what a man should be and do.....but it sounds like she is learning all about being a stron woman from her mother. EMail me anytime. and **Hugs**
I'm keeping her in my prayers. I dont know where she lives but if I'm not mistaken there are programs at universities that help single mothers...one of my friends went through it to finish her college degree.
I have no children as of yet but I pray that when I do God gives me the strength to deal with whatever may come from the situation.
Lynn you are a strong woman and just choosing to raise your daughter alone proves that..many others dont do that.
This teared me up too! You can do the school thing, trust. If you have a home computer, take online classes. I highly recommend the Univ. of Phoenix, you'd be surprised at the loans, grants and scholarships you may qualify for, do the research.
Single mothers are the strongest women in the world. Know that. Well, I'm not a female but I'm a parent and honestly, I am/was that child that is now your daughter. My mom was my inspiration and seeing her will and her fight is what made me who I am today. She never gave up no matter what the circumstances. She put me through school and sacrificed everyday. When I graduated from college, she went back, got her HS diploma, her Bachelors degree AND her Masters! So know that what you do for your daughter is being recognized. Don't compare yourself to others. Don't ask why me. Don't even trip over your daughter's father. That's wasted energy. Focus on getting back to school. 6 hours is nothing. You'll be done in no time. Don't just dream. WANT. You gotta want it. Ask HIM for it. He's the only MAN you and your daughter need. Just be you. Love yourself and know that you are BLESSED.
Lynn,
Pray. For calm. To hear His voice. For strength. To thank Him for all the good things that have happened in your life. Like your mother, grandmother and daughter. They sound like a blessing.
Now, here're my other two (three, four and five) cents:
1. You are ahead of the game because you are still standing. That's an accomplishment, in and of itself. Pat yourself on the back, girl! Congrats!
2. You can do an online program OR some universities offer night classes that meet for one night a week for three hours each (usually 6pm-9pm). Two semesters, you're done! :o)
3. This might sound harsh, but I really don't mean it to be. You cannot wallow in what you pictured your life to be. At this point, you have to accept what's transpired so far, (chalking them up to learning experience, maybe), picture what you want it to be, name your goals, and then take the necessary steps.
You are raising a daughter who will appreciate your sacrifices and if you start taking the steps to get out of your present situation, you will be inadvertently teaching her that you can always improve your condition and nothing is unattainable. One step at a time.
I wish you ALL the best, Lynn. Don't give up!
I knew some good advice would come through all the wise folks out there.
Lynn...Fresh said a mouthful. My mom is the reason I am where I am today. She never showed me a "woe is me" attitude, she was positive and always worked hard and gave us whetever she could. Now that I am older, I understand how hard it was for her and how many real sacrifices she made behind the scenes. She just never talked about it. She kept moving forward. The greatest gift she ever gave me, besides life, is humanity and pride. I know your daughter probably feels the same way about you.
Lynn,
You are braver than most women. Why? You responded to a post that is the total opposite of where you are at this juncture, and what you feel in the natural about yourself. However, you put your TRUTH onto the page. That shows one of the best forms of "sassiness" in my book! Sassy, in the fact that you aren't afraid to share who you are, your struggles, your wants and desires for not only you, but the child you are raising. She should be proud to have a mother like you.
Don't look at where you are, but look to where you are going. Only up from this day forward. You are a brave woman. It takes this kind of courage to step out and seek the help and encouragement you need, in pursuit of some of the dreams you have been keeping on the inside. The courage to "speak those things that be not as though they are." I'm fortunate to have read your abridged story and I know that 1969 feels fortunate that you chose her to share it with as well. She is a wise woman beyond her YOUTH. You couldn't have chosen a better one to solicit the prayers and thoughtful bits of advice from her blog- reader-cyber-and-some-real-life-friends.
Be encouraged; besides, Jesus didn't even begin HIS ministry until He was 33. You've got PLENTY of time to get back up again... Keep your cheering section posted.
*hugs*
Lynn, I can totally relate to you. I had no father around, my grandparents mainly raised me, I felt awkward in high school and I had a baby in the middle of college.
With family support from both sides (his and mine), I was able to finish school. It took me 10 years of going off and on. It was hard juggling when the man I thought I would marry left for the service and mainly helped financially. I went through hell with him and doing the parenting by myself.
I have some depressing and trying times. I understand the not feeling good. I still struggle with loving myself and each year I find myself closer to not feeling so bad.
Lynn, you have access to things I wish would have made my college life easier. Like Erica B. said online classes are good especially if your local college has them or you can try Uni of Phoenix.
Because you made it this far and can be courageous enough to want to address your problems means you are getting closer. That is good because to heal you have to acknowledge what is wrong and then find ways to address things.
I will say a prayer for you. I know it is hard being a single parent and feeling like you missed out on a father.
Lynn, pick the one thing you can do for yourself to pamper you. Find the talents or gifts you have and use them. Find a hobby.
I am a poet and I once did not write for years. Now it is an outlet and I now share what I once hid. I mean I got published in Essence magazine this year. It was awesome. I use poetry either by writing or reading it to cope.
I am sure you will find your calling and way in life and you will love Lynn more and more as time goes by.
I hope I was of some help.
Babygirl life is simple...we make it hard. God doesn't make anything without giving it the opportunity to reach its full potential. As long as you have breath in your lungs you have opportunity to rise up out of whatever circumstances you are in and achieve whatever your heart desires. God made us in the image of himself...God is perfect and with the rising of the sun each day we have the opportunity to perfect ourselves over and over again.
The first step is accepting your past and forgiving yourself and others for it (whatever it is). The past is over, you cant get it back or change it BUT by the grace of God you have today...and today you need to acknowledge the pure perfection of God's hand in his creation of you. See yourself as the gift that you are, to do anything less would dishonor him.
You want to be happy? Then live! With every breath inside you live the life that you desire in your heart...don't make excuses JUST LIVE!! You are not flawed, you are perfect in the eyes of God and his eyes are the only eyes that matter. Your daughter deserves to have that kind of an example...a happy mother who is proud of her life and not ashamed of her mistakes. Your life is your testimony but it is not your story...your story is still being written and living is the only way to get what you want on the pages of your life.
You are perfect, not because I say so but because God says so...and God knows what he's doing so LIVE!
Hi 1969 & wonderful reader's,
I'm deeply touched by the encouragement from each of you. It made me cry, but it also made me realize I can do this and I will. My mind has been running wild, with the what ifs and why me questions. I have fallen many times and always managed to get back up...this time just seems to be more difficult. Ms. Lee, you were not harsh at all and I appreciate your being honest. I know I have some baggage and I'm going to work through that, it's just going to take a little time. However, I have got to go back to school (let me stop, I will go back) for the sake of my child and myself. Believe it or not, I'm going to print off your words of encouragement and keep them w/me..so when I begin to feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel....I can remind myself that there is a light. 1969, thanks a Million Times ....I'm grateful I came across your blog. At this very moment, I feel like I can take on anything. I hope not to loose this feeling and I will keep you posted as "we" head towards a wonderful tomorrow.
I am truly amazed and overwhelmed at the same time, with the out pouring of encouragement. Sometimes, when one feels there's no hope...along comes some truly "beautiful people" to show you there is hope after all. I was informed God knows what he's doing (thanks, Royce's Daughter)... since I know this is true......I will LIVE.
Many thanks & blessings,
Lynn
Hey this was JUST emailed to me and I thought it ridiculously apropos...
Perfectly Complete
Be confident of this. He who began a good work in you will continue to perform it until it’s perfectly complete. Philippians 1:6
Do you have dreams that have not yet come to pass? Are there promises that you are standing on in your health, finances, or relationships? Know this: God is a god of completion. He wants to finish what He’s started in your life.
No matter how long you’ve been praying, don’t let the enemy tempt you into thinking that it’s never going to happen. Be encouraged today because God is called the Author and the Finisher of your faith. That means He’s working behind the scenes on your behalf.
Anything He begins, any dream He puts in your heart, He is well-able to finish. Stand strong on this promise. Be confident even when it looks like it’s not going to happen. No matter how long it takes, stay in faith and keep your hopes up because God has promised to finish the good work He’s started in your life!
A Prayer for Today
“Heavenly Father, thank You for Your promise to complete what You’ve started in my life. Thank You for Your faithfulness and for showing me Your goodness. Give me strength to stand strong so that I can experience Your fulfillment in my life today. I love You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
God is so awesome!
Lynn...
I feel so blessed that ANYONE would read my blog and feel that I can help them in anyway. I struggle with so many of my personal shortcomings on a daily basis. I don't even feel like I have the right to offer advice to folks.
However, if collectively, we helped you to recognize that you can and will continue and you should be proud of who you are and where you have come from, then GOD is good.
How many single moms out there have let the struggle defeat them? Hell, how many rich and successful people (Lindsay and Britney) don't even use their resources and recognize their blessings? Rich or poor, family support or not....it's not what you have, it's how you face the obstacles thrown in your way. How you react when you get beat down. How you continue to rise up and keep trying.
Please, please keep us posted on your daily struggle. Heck, you will probably be able to help US out when we are sliding. Thank you Lynn, you truly made my day. God Bless!
This hurt my heart but the advice you got was SOOOOOO excellent...that I have nothing to add.
Just reading through these comments, I am so touched by everything that everyone said. I am once more in awe of the power and strength of black women. Even though I've never met any of you, I am so proud to have such strong sisters.
Dear Lynn,
Keep your head up girl! You are a strong powerful black woman with a history of strong powerful black women that have come before you. We are surviviors! You CAN make it!. Right now those may seem like just words, but look in the mirror and repeat them out loud to yourself. Your story is like a mirror to my life with an exception. Same story no father,single mother,tainted by lecherous step-father. Pregnant at early age, had a boy, raising boy alone. With little or no support from his father. Boy now 17 almost to manhood! But I had major struggles, low self- esteem, bouts of depression, unemployment, welfare, you name it. But I sit here today a successful college graduate from a major university with a well paying job. I still have more to accomplish.I am soon to pursue a graduate degree. I am just waiting for my son to finish school. He needs more attention in his teens than ever before. But I said all that to say you CAN make it. Be your own hero . Find support groups. Build you a sister circle of friends. Find friends you can trust with your child so you can finish your six hours! That's how I did it friends and family. There is also low-cost therapy out there. We have a stigma in the African-American community about mental health. But if you need it I think it is the best unbiased 50 minutes you can get. Stay encouraged! Also, I don't know if you are religious but I could not have made it without prayer, church and GOD. Find a good bible based church. Just believe that things will get better and trouble does not last always!!!!
Amen Gorgeous, Amen!
Lynn,
Remember the old saying "Leap and the net will appear." The net DOES appear for so many people and can for you too.
Have you ever read "The Secret"? It is about The Law of Attraction and really has some great principles in it, principles that I think could apply to you. If you don't have a copy of the book, let me know and I can send you one ( msred5 at yahoo dot com )
Also, start keeping a gratitude journal so that you can really start to see everything there is to be grateful for. New things can ONLY come into your life when you are truly grateful for what is already there.
And finally, if you don't have a journal, get one and start to really chronicle all that you HAVE done and accomplished. (I, someone who has never had a child, think that the process of pregnancy and childbirth is a HUGE accomplishment! Celebrate that YOU have done that!) Chronicle all the things that DO make you happy, the things that DO bring you joy and even chronicle the things you want to do with your life. Write it all down and figure out what step - even if it is a baby one - to take next.
Remember: LEAP AND THE NET WILL APPEAR!
Sending hugs your way,
Karen Beth, aka. Zazazu
zazazu.wordpress.com
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