Saturday Itinerary

6am Wake up and go to the gym
7:15am Head into the office to finish contract due to customer before Monday
9:am Back at home, make breakfast for family
9:30am Start Laundry
9:45am Leave for Supermarket
10:30am Come Home and Put Groceries Away
10:45am Leave for Target
11:45am Back from Target, Start making Lunch for kids
12:45pm Put in 2nd load of laundry, put away first load
1:00pm Feed kids

1:45pm...Wonder what the hell everyone in this house is so DAYUM tired from. All of these MUGS are dead asleep. What the FUDGE????????

Whatever happened to Black Love???

I, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you
Let's Stay Together-The Right Reverend Al Green

There's been alot of talk on the blog world lately about marriage. There are many who feel that they will never get married, never have children, never ever settle down.

I can see where everyone is coming from. I remember turning 29 and swearing that I would NEVER get married. I told my mom that I would just be that "diva" aunt that showed up at the holidays bearing gifts for everyone else's kids, looking fabulous and telling tales of all my exploits and travels to all of the poor married folks.

I met my husband not long after I had that enlightening conversation with my mother. When I met him, I was not looking for a husband. I was in fact dating someone (not really committed) and had a booty call reserve on the bench, 2nd string.

My husband had several girls in his stable. No one serious at the time. He too was not trying to get married.

We met, thought the other person was cool, but no sparks were flying...no angels singing....just "he's cool, maybe he can treat me to a meal once in a while".

We went on a few dates. Movies, dinners. Nothing exciting. However, over time, I realized that this was a good man. Plain and simple. When he said he was going to do something, he did it. If he couldn't do something...he said so. He was honest and direct. He loved his family. He was responsible. He was intelligent. He thought outside of the box. He had some style and could floss when necessary....but he wasn't a punk. He liked good music and good food. He enjoyed travelling. He had goals, dreams and a plan.

The two of us, maybe because we were a little older, were more secure with who we were going into the relationship. We didn't sweat each other. If he was hanging out with his boys, I encouraged him to go and vice versa. We encouraged each other to have lives outside of the relationship. We trusted each other. We recognized that if a person is going to stray...you can't stop them. All you can do is FIND OUT and REACT ACCORDINGLY. No sense in tripping without provocation.

As we got more serious, he never talked about getting married. I never talked about it. I am from the "Don't talk about it, be about it" school. I told him up front that I am not the kind of woman that is going to beg a man to be with me ever. If you have read some past posts, you know this mantra has hurt me before but I still believe that it is the right way to be. I think that a man will not hesitate when he wants something. Men are primal. They are hunters. When there is something that they desire, they will move heaven and earth to have it. If a women is trying to "convince" a guy that she is the one.....she is fighting a losing battle.

All of a sudden, he proposed. On his own, without us ever having to have "the talk".

Our marriage is not perfect. We have major disagreements. I am a pain in the ass. He gets on my last nerves. But I think that we have a mutual respect for each other. I respect him as a man, a provider, a father. He handles his business. No matter what we go through, he is still a good man and I have to give him props. I may not always agree with the decisions he makes or the way he handles things but he stays true to who he is and was when I met him.

I am certain that I drive my husband crazy. I argue just to argue. I rarely let him have the last word. I change my mind at the drop of a dime. But I have stayed true to who I am. I handle work, two children, a household, all of my volunteer work, etc...and I am still true to who I was when he met me. In addition, I support him and believe in him. I never call him out in front of anyone else. I respect that he is the man and the husband.

I will never back down from an argument. I may get angry and call him every good cuss word I can think of....but when it's over, I apologize. Even if I was right (which is 90% of the time).

To me, the key for women being a good wife....is knowing that you have the power to uplift or break your man but, 9 times out of 10, you choose to uplift. I think that too many women are trying to be the man. That will kill a relationship faster than Kryptonite.

I am not saying to give up who you are, to be timid and meek. I am saying choose your battles wisely. Your job as a wife is to hold your family down. Women spend too much time trying to show their man that they are smarter and know more. I think most men already know we are smarter. They don't need to hear it all the time.

I think our men, black men especially, need someone to believe in them. To make them feel like we have their backs no matter what (unless they are on some EXTRA sh*T). That we do think they are smart, hard working and capable of greatness.

To do all of that, women have to be secure with themselves. Believe that you are the sh*t without needing constant validation from your partner. When you love yourself, know yourself and believe in yourself.....then you will be able to give support without feeling like it's weakness.

When two mature individuals, who know who they are and enter into marriage with realistic expectations....it can be a beautiful thing. Black love is out there and when it works, it is unstoppable.

I'm not a fan, I'm a stalker

I don't know if anyone else is a Maxwell stalker...I mean fan. It's been five years since his last release. He is on the verge of dropping his triple cd set. I just got word that the first single will be out in October. There were many rumors about the holdup on the CD. Yes, gay rumors...all of that. Turns out, the brother has been adamant about releasing a triple CD set and he's a perfectionist. Here is his latest email....Just sharing for any fans out there.

offtheFLO'

its been a minute, i know, since we've kicked it. i've been away
finishing things up to get music to the label. i spoke way too soon
about the myspace music release. since columbia has yet to hear
anything on the trilogy its becoming more than the average drum-
roll. so yeah, along with all of u out there, i got them. don't get
me wrong, the support has me hopeful but hey, i'm a little nervous
about it. just keepin it real, i think its good music but u never
know, people got opinions. needless to say columbia has had dates
ready and have been ready for longer than u know. i kept pushing it
back, so my official apology, for being so slow with the whole
thing. my bad.

the first single is called "off the flo''" produced with my long
time musical arsonist hod david. this one does it for me so i
figured u might like it. it'll be ready october eleventh or so, but
i gotta see how it works with the label and the schedule. thanks
again to all the new people in here. many thanks to everyone for
being patient and for puttin' me on blast about the timing. ur like
family :-D and again, i know i'm a fool with the timing but, this is
really going down!

it just gotta be right :-D is that so wrong :-?


much love and respect,
-maxwell

Woman's Work

I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
All the things we should've said that I never said
All the things we should have done that we never did
All the things we should have given but I didn't

Oh darling make it go
Make it go away

This Woman's Work-Kate Bush/Maxwell


My 20 year high school reunion is coming up next April. Twenty Years. Damn

I graduated from a pretty spectacular high school in 1987. It is a school for exceptional students. There are only three of these schools in New York. You can only be accepted by entrance exam.

I remember the day of the test, I was so nervous. I sat down, exhaled and answered all of the questions to the best of my ability. When I finally got the results and found out I had made it, I remember running around my house screaming.

My first day of school was scary. This school has roughly 4,000 students. The Freshman class was almost 1,100 students. To stand outside of it's imposing gates and watch the sea of students entering the building was really something.

I remember I had a pair of tan Lee's on, some cute brown shoes and a Bennetton shirt.
I was intimidated by all of the cool kids. The athletes, the fashionistas, the geeks, the new wavers, the rappers, the misfits. I became friends with all of them.
A part of each of them is still in me.

This school had a profound impact on me. I met my best friend in those halls. We met in health class and have been inseparable ever since. We stayed friends through college, pledging, dating, the good and the bad, engagements, weddings, death and now children. We have kept each other going when we couldn't stand. We are more than friends at this point. We are sisters.

I also met the love of my life there that I ended up losing almost 5 years ago. I can't lie, I will have many memories of Chris when I step in the building. It's where we sat together in History, Miss Kinard's class. It's where we had homeroom together for two years. Where he gave me his orange shirt to take with me on the school trip after over hearing me tell someone I needed one to match an outfit I had just gotten. The shirt I still own.

Where I really and truly fell in love for the first time with a man that I ended up having a relationship with, on and off, for 13 years. Really, most of my life. How am I going to walk those halls knowing that he's not there?

I use to think when I got married, that at my 20th reunion, I would at least get to see him and we could finally have closure. I could tell him that I am happy he's doing well. Tell him I am sorry for the day I told him I never wanted to see him again. That I did love him and always will. That no matter what, I will always have his back. No matter where I am in life, I am still the same girl that sat in front of him but wouldn't share her test answers. I wanted to give him a hug, tell him he looked great. Look at pictures of his kids. Show him pictures of mine. I wanted....something. I wanted to be in his presence, one more time.

I know that I have moved on. With time, I have focused on my new life, my husband, my children. I am happy and blessed. I wouldn't trade what I have and I know that this is where I am supposed to be. This is God's plan.

Somehow, I just thought I would have another chance to say "sorry".

My Soccer Star

I don't get it

So last night, I got caught up watching "Flavor of Love". Now you may or may not know this about me....but I love Reality TV. I only watch three regular shows. And only one is MUST SEE TV (LOST FANS, Holla!)

I never miss Project Runway, I dish about Top Model and I still love Amazing Race.

However, Flavor of Love MUST BE STOPPED. What is it about this damn train wreck that makes people watch? I watched my first full episode last night and I am officially deeply disturbed.

While watching two questions immediately sprung to mind.

1) Flavor Flav is a catch......WHY?

2) They find these women....WHERE?

The visuals last night were so disturbing. First there was a shirtless Flav in a pit of mushed grapes with two women, groping on their bikini clad asses. I may never drink wine again. Thanks VH1.

Then there was some woman tongue kissing Flav while another sat and watched and got seasick. (I hear ya girl).

There was a crazy chick named New York who clearly is on some sort of drugs. She ranted, raved, chain smoked, cried, pouted, cussed, stripped down to a g-string and then ended the night moaning like a cat in heat, locked in a room with Flav getting busy. Hmmmmmmm. Whatever she did, she ended up with the first pick by Flav.

The one that got sent home, was the one that refused to give up any azz.

Why are we watching this? Are we concerned with the GIANT step backwards our race is taking with this sh*t being on TV? What message does it send? Is anyone else mad at themselves for wasting a precious hour of life that can never be returned?

I know I am.

For the loyal watchers...please enlighten me. And don't front cause this show is popular as hell. I know you are out there.

Kitchen Confidential

1969 loves to cook. More than cooking, I love to entertain. I like having folks over, planning a menu, a theme. Setting a party mood. So with my better half's birthday approaching next weekend. I have set out to have a small party.

Now some people just like to invite folks over, order some pizza and drink some beer. That's a good night. However, 1969 has to have a "soiree". No, no...mere pizza and beer will not do.

Mr. 1969 (who technically is Mr. 1967...shhh!), would probably like a casual type environment. He doesn't like a whole lot of fuss. So during his Penn State game watching....I will invite some of his friends to stop by and share in the Mexican Fiesta.

We are having:

Beverages:

Corona
Dos Equis
Signature Red Grapefruit Margaritas

Appetizers:

Mango Salsa with Fresh Tortillas
Shrimp Ceviche
Roasted Chicken with Black Bean and Corn Quesadillas

Entree:

Grilled Steak and Chicken Fajita Station
Baja Fish Tacos Station

Desert:

Chocolate Birthday Cake served with Dulce de Leche Ice Cream

Did I mention, one of my aspirations is to write a cookbook? Yes, I am an amateur, self taught chef. LOL

So can you guys give me feedback on the menu? He's gonna need a good meal when Penn State gets beat by Ohio State...poor baby.

I Love The 80's -Part 2

This one is for my girl Supa....

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

I read in the papers that Carmelo Anthony and his fiancee, La La (from MTV vjay fame) are expecting their first child together.

Let me just say that these two have been engaged for two years already. Carmelo Anthony is 22 years old and La La is currently 27. They started dating when he was 20.

In my opinion, this marriage will probably not take place. Melo has had her locked down for the past two years. Recently, she was reported to not be seen even wearing the ring....then lo and behold, she turns up pregnant.

I recall when he had first come to the NBA and he was on the radio (Wendy.Williams) and she asked him what kind of girls' he liked....He emphatically said "Light skinned girls with phat ASSets". Well, we all know that for a baller, those chicks are in abundance. Immediately after hearing that radio program, I heard he proposed to La La.

Now La La used to be on the radio in Atlanta. She is no dummy. She is older and has a fairly good gig on MTV despite the fact that she is getting older and will soon need to set herself up for another role. She thought she had parlayed that MTV fame into the NBA wife position. But it seems that Melo has been dragging his feet.

Two years later, and still no wedding. Now I am speculating, but if you can go two years plus without getting pregnant.....how come all of a sudden, you end up knocked up?

Well, I hear you Miss La La. You are now officially set for life. You are a smart girl. If he does marry you, you will have to deal with some rocky terrain as you move forward. The NBA wife is not a role I would relish. Groupies, trips on the road away from home. But at least there's always shopping! Have fun on Rodeo Drive.

Thoughts about Blogging

I am a blogger. You guys are bloggers. What drives us to write about ourselves and post it for the world to read and then make comments?

I guess for me, it must be a way to express myself, entertain people, show off, confess, seek acceptance, gain reassurance and be creative....all at the same time. It's also a means of therapy in some sense.

That being said. It is still the internet. I wonder if I share too much information. I wonder if some of you seemingly normal folks are really crazy ass stalkers.

You never know. I remember when I was pregnant, I used to frequent a website for expectant mothers. I thought it was great because you could chat with other mothers expecting their baby around the same time. I ended up meeting two women in Philly that were due when I was due. We are still good friends today.

However, during this time, I heard on the news about someone that was pregnant who was on a pet lovers website. She met some woman that wanted to buy her pet. They chit chatted for a few months back and forth and she shared that she was expecting a baby. Eventually, she gave out her address and the woman came over to purchase the dog. During her visit, she also tried to cut her open and steal her baby.

Although I have posted a picture of myself and one of my sons....I guess I still feel the need to hold back because it is the internet. Most everyone seems normal, sane and like regular folks fighting the good fight. But all it takes is one crazy mofo up in this piece.

How do we know it isn't you? How do you know it isn't me?

Truth is....we know alot about each other.....but what we don't know is the key.

Food for thought?

I love the 80"s

Spandau Ballet - True


This song is the shyt! I mean really, can these cats be any smoother???? If you're too young for this....you need to rent the movie 16 Candles and catch up. LOL

Hope you all are enjoying the weekend. Recognize that the NY Giants, despite sucking for three quarters, came back to beat those damned EAGLES.

Later......

The World is Ending...

Whitney and Bobby are getting a divorce. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.

I mean really, it's about freakin time. Two people with lots of money, destroying themselves on national TV while their child looks on. That kid should have been in protective custody YEARS AGO. And if you haven't seen her in a while...I hear she has a myspace page and calls herself "Nympho" and posts pictures of herself in bikinis. Hmmmmm, nice parenting. I don't know about you guys but I am waiting patiently for the tell all book. It's gonna be a doozy.

My trade show yesterday was good. Exhausting but good. It was held at the Rainbow Room in the NBC building. The restaurant has a phenomenal view of New York City. Seeing Central Park from that height is amazing. I swear I could look right into the Empire State Building. Really breathtaking and the Crab stuffed Ravioli was phenomenal.

I also snuck in a quick visit with my mom who met me for lunch. She is doing MUCH better...so thanks for your prayers and well-wishes.

All in all, a busy day. I got back home last night at 11:30pm and stayed up to watch Project Runway at midnight because I am obsessed with that damned show. Michael Knight was robbed for any fans of the show....let's discuss.

Today, I have to do it all over again. Another customer packed day. Lunch appointment. Cooking event tonight for 100 customers. Sales can be fun but I miss seeing my boys.

The balance for a working mom can be hard. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. The monotony would drive me crazy. I love working. However, it is so hard to juggle a career with motherhood. I don't ever want to be an absentee mom so I push myself to make sure I am home for everything. Soccer, schoolwork, the park, the birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. Sometimes, I need a break. A mental break. Anyone else exhausted?

Travelling on business!

1969 will be out actually working! Be safe people.

Tasty Tuesday

Hmmm....today we are doing a twist. I am going to ask five questions and everyone that reads is going to have to answer them....Ha, Ha!!! The Tables are turning....
Be honest...it's Tasty Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Sexiest Blog?

2. Other than your crib (or couch), where would you take a date that had to be kept on the DL in your city? (And no, I am not cheating when I am on the road....LOL)

3. The Worst Habit You Have? You know, the one you hide from other people cause they would be grossed the hell out....

4. If you have a romantic evening planned at your crib....what steps do you take to make sure the evening is perfect? Give us the set-up details....

5. Sexiest thing someone has done to you.....what has blown your mind and rendered you speechless?

I Love New York

Growing up in New York is one of the things I hold most dear to my heart. I am Caribbean, but really, was raised a Brooklyn girl. No matter where else I move, New York is my home.

The hustle and bustle, the culture, the folks from all walks of live, the blunt realities, the craziness, the toughness, the arrogant swagger, the love. It's all in me and I take it with me wherever I go.

On this date, five years ago....NY lost some of it's treasures. Some people were on their grind, trying to get to work, grabbing a bagel and coffee on their way to the largest buildings in the City when tragedy struck.

My mom and I love downtown Manhattan. The Wall Street/Fulton Street area. Whenever I came home for a visit, we would hit up our favorite stores...Century Twenty One or Syms and shop, then grab lunch at the Seaport. We were always walking the streets in Downtown Manhattan. It was our personal slice of the City.

When I got to work that day in Philadelphia, I was pregnant with my first son. I had stopped to get my breakfast.I am always the first one in my office. So I came in, logged on and was drinking some decaf. My co-worker came in and had been listening to the radio in her car, she told me to turn on the TV, a plane had hit the World Trade Center. As my office slowly dragged in....each one of us was drawn to the conference room, where we watched that morning's events unfold. We were watching LIVE as the 2nd plane struck the 2nd tower. I remember tears running down my face as they then announced that a plane had struck the Pentagon. Lastly, Flight 93 had gone down in Pennsylvania. We were under attack.

I walked out of the office and drove home in a daze. I wanted to be home, safe and sound. The images of people jumping out of the Towers was embedded in my psyche.
I needed to carry my unborn child home, protect him. The ride home was eerily quiet as I tried unsuccesfully to reach my mother and brother in NY. I did not get through to them until later that night. The rest of my family in NY all made it through. Including both of my cousins that worked on Wall Street.

My brother had stories about his walk home from Midtown Manhattan to Brooklyn. About the ice cream trucks and food vendors that just gave food away to the crowds of people walking that hadn't eaten all day. About the sneaker stores giving out sneakers to the women walking in heels. About the policemen and firemen that he saw. About the average citizens helping to hold each other up as they carried each other over the Brooklyn Bridge. New Yorkers rose to the task of holding our City together when outsiders sought to bring us down.

I will be home in the city tomorrow on business. Once again, I will walk past ground zero as I walk amongst my fellow New Yorkers.

Know that your lives have not been forgotten. Your tragedy is our tragedy.

More than ever before, I love New York. Rest in Peace.

You got questions? I got answers!

Okay...while the rest of you are straggling with the questions...I am bored at work so I will get cracking with some answers. By the time I finish answering Royce's questions, it may be time to actually go home :)

The Beautiful Ms.Dynasty asked:

What inspired you to Blog?

I was a blogger for a long time but I had a private blog. I would write lots of stuff but never published it. I stumbled across my fellow high school alumni's blog ( Mr.Dallas Penn, who was robbed for best writing in a blog) and he really inspired me to go public.

Royce's Lovely Daughter asked:

1) So ummm if there was one person that could make you creep on your husband who would it be and WHY? (answer that only if the hubbie doesn’t read this LOL!!)

My hubby DOES NOT read the blog. A woman has got to have some privacy!

The only person that would have or ever could have broken up my marriage would have been Chris, my soulmate that I blogged about before. Love of my life. Since he passed away, that won't ever happen. He was the only man that I was weak over. He had me at hello....you know? :)

For me to break up my home, separate my family and destroy the unity we have established for our children....it would take someone major. I don't open myself up to that. Once you really start entertaining those thoughts as a married person, you will be sliding down a steep hill.

But my hubby does have a phoine Frat Brother or two.....LOL

2) What’s your biggest regret?
My biggest regret is probably not taking advantage of missed opportunities. I could have gone to grad school but decided not to. I could have also saved and managed my finances better when I was younger. I could have been a real estate magnate by now.

3) What’s your biggest accomplishment?
Without a doubt, I am proudest of my children. No matter what I do or how well I do it....the greatest thing is to come home to my snotty, smiling children. If I can continue to turn them into good, strong black men...I will die a happy woman.

4) Whose your favorite hip hop artist?

The greatest mc of all time...Mr. KRS-One

"Boogie down productions is made up of teachers
The lecture is conducted from the mic into the speaker
Who gets weaker? the king or the teacher
Its not about a salary its all about reality
Teachers teach and do the world good
Kings just rule and most are never understood
If you were to rule or govern a certain industry
All inside this room right now would be in misery
No one would get along nor sing a song
cause everyone'd be singing for the king, am I wrong? !"


5) What’s your favorite food?

Thai, Sushi, Caribbean, Mexican. I love seafood and I love spicy. Caliente baby!

6) What do you most dislike about yourself?

I do too much for too many. I need to learn how to SAY NO. I take on projects like I am Bob the Builder and always get roped into doing stuff for other people. I feel good helping but damn...I need a break.

7) What do you think your husband dislikes most about you?

He wants more booty THREE TIMES A DAY if he could get it. LOL The bane of all married men.

8) What made you decide to pledge AKA and not some other sorority (yeah I’m hazing you LOL!!)

Miss Royce, hazing ain't nothing new to me :)

When I got to college, I knew that I wanted to join a sorority. All of the sisters at my predominantly European school seemed to be members of various organizations. These women were the leaders at my school. I am a BORN leader :) I went to the Schaumberg Library in Harlem and started researching each of the Organizations. After doing my homework to see what each one was about, I wanted to become an AKA. What appealed to me was that these ladies were the first organization, the originators. They have existed thus far for 98 years and the programs they have established to provide service throughout the world are amazing. There was no other choice for me after reading about those 16 founders and the spirit they had to start their organization. They didn't talk about it, they did it when it had never been done before.

All of the big eight are great organizations. I encourage folks to do their homework and find out about more than stepping and wearing letters on campus. Recognize that college is four years, these organizations are for a lifetime. They all do great things! Shouts out and much love to all my greeks on the Blog roll.

9) What’s your feeling on interracial relationships?

Love is love and I have no problem with anyone finding the "right" person for them. The one that feeds your soul and makes life worth it every morning when you wake up. I can't determine anyone else's happiness.

For me personally, black men are just beautiful, intelligent, strong and powerful. I am in love with them and that's what I chose.

10) If you could take back sleeping with one person who would it be and why?
Just one? DAMN. But I have a few, the ass.hole that cheated on me, the one that talked so much sh*t about how he was the man in bed and had a penis the size of a damn AAA battery, the DAMN, you have no skills brother that I wasted my energy on. **sigh**

The Intelligent Organized Noise Asked:

1. Under what circumstances would you stop blogging?
I pretty much blog at work. At home I am too busy. I guess if they yanked my work privileges cause Lawd knows, I always have something to say.

2. Who is your favorite blogger to read and why?
I love so many blogs for various reasons. If I had to pick one...I would say my boy Dallas Penn for inspiring me to write and actually share. He is a mad genius with a slight edge of asshole...he blogs everything from politics to ghetto stories to his inner struggles. He is a really good writer and the fact that we went to school together makes me extra proud of him.

3. What is one thing you wish you knew about your husband BEFORE you got married?

**shhh*** that he really is THAT country. DAMN.

4. What is one thing you wish he knew about you BEFORE you got married?

That I really do need cards and flowers, poetry and romance although I act like I don't. And that I am mad as hell that he can't see that for himself.

5. What is your favorite place to hang out in Philly?

I am a restaurant junkie. I love to hang out in Old City and hit up some great restaurants or lounges. Philly has GREAT restaurants. Buddkhan, Morimoto's, Alma De Cuba, The Continental....Philly is phenomenal. Come on down!!!

6. What is your current fear?

Anyone molesting my children or one of them dying.

7. In your own words, WHO IS 1969?

Superwoman. Wife, Mother, Sister, Cousin, Soror, Daughter.

The Talented Miss Robyn asked:

1. If you could send your children to a mostly WHITE school (elementary, middle or high school) or a mostly BLACK (both are good quality educational institutions.....had to put that in there) school, which would it be?

The Black school. I want them to be Kings amongst their own kind first and foremost. If the education is equal...I need them to still understand who they are, where they come from and how to be strong Black Men. They can't learn that in an all white environment.

2.Do you want more children?

Nope. The factory is closed. But a daughter would have been nice....

3.Would you be mad if your children came home with a white girl/boyfriend?

I wouldn't be angry but I would make sure they like that person for who they are and how they treat them and not just "Oh I got me a white girl!"

Who is 1969?

I have been inspired to answer random questions from the audience. So be gentle with me....but ask away. I will answer everything in tomorrow's post.

Why?

Why do tragedy's happen to some people but not to others? Why does it seem like some people always get the sh*tty end of the stick in life?

I have been pondering this lately. One of my very dear friends has a son the same age as Taliban #1. Our sons are a week apart and we went through the whole pregnancy together. We have enjoyed raising these boys and shared all of the milestones together as mothers.

She became pregnant a year later. Five months into the pregnancy, she was in a car accident with her husband and son. She saw the car coming towards them, undid her seat belt and turned immediately to shield her son in the back car seat. Their car flipped over and she lost the baby. She always tells this story of how when she came to, all she could see was the rescue team pulling her son out, still in his carseat holding a cookie and looking confused.

If that wasn't heartbreaking enough. When I was pregnant with T2, she became pregnant again. She was so nervous about the pregnancy after losing the 2nd baby. However, the pregnancy was an uneventful one. We enjoyed being pregnant together and looked forward to both having another son. She was scheduled for her c-section on a Monday. The Sunday night, she went into labor. However, as soon as she got to the hospital, her uterus (which had been weakened by the car accident two years prior) ruptured. They immediately went in for the c-section but she started to hemmorage.
They were able to save her after a blood transfusion but the baby died. A beautiful, 8lb baby that looked just like her.

This second loss has been heartbreaking to my friend. Understandably so, and still, she is able to carry on. Wake up everyday. Enjoy school shopping for her oldest son.

She is still able to ask me to email pictures of my son. The one that would have been the same age as her baby...and then tell me how beautiful he is.

And she lost both of her sons in December, right around Christmas time.

As the season approaches, I wonder about my friend. This will be a rough time for her. Knowing how she is, she will put her "big girl" panties on and deal with it. She hates sympathy. She does not want to be the woman that "lost two babies".

But as I sit and look at my two healthy children, I wonder sometimes why I have been spared. What does God want from me? Why have I been blessed? What are my lessons to learn?

My life is not perfect. But it's pretty good.

When I look at the news and see the mothers that kiss their kids in the morning and then put their gas masks on and get their rifles to walk them to school...I know I am blessed.

Or I know that women in many countries face genital mutilation, rapes, starvation, they face fear...I know I am blessed.

I am always grateful for where I am, I just don't understand why I have been spared.

I feel like my life is not going to worthwhile unless I can find a true purpose. Not work, not being a mom (although that is a wonderful role).

I want to help people.

I need to find my calling.

I need to help someone.